Changing of stories

Stories? Gosh reflecting on what story I can share sure makes me realise how controversial my life can be. Or how personal the stories are. Maybe many of us do feel this way if we’re on this alternative path that’s quite far removed from what most of society thinks they know today. We really get taken to the depths of our being. Also when it comes to dealing with other planes of existence most of society would think we’re nuts. Additionally we can make many mistakes with what we get tied up with too which can bring about rather controversial stories!

Anyone up for spooky ghost stories? Weird alien stories? Dark shamanic medicine stories? Satanic encounters? Abusing my body with eating disorders and an unhealthy abusive obsession with detoxing? Very dysfunctional relationships? Being flung out into the furthest dimensions or being pulled into different realities that I had no idea if I was ever coming back? Stories of full breaking down of my psyche to a point I didn’t feel I existed anymore or had much grip of reality? Where I was fully taken over by other forces? There is a physical aspect where I had overly abused my body and psyche to the point my brain experienced some kind of damage (developing a not very well known condition that even my own doctor hasn’t heard of it) and my intestines went through a huge breaking. My circuits were totally blown too as I had really overloaded my system. I was the classic example of someone who had their energy field blasted so wide open lots of things started entering that were out to control me to the point their destructive forces were practically pushing me out of existence.

My seeking spiritual freedom and self realisation totally backfired and put me into a cage instead… it was like I was trying to escape one cage and ended up in another. It really took me through the wringer with my mental health which was not pretty… which people who have had to go through these kind of experiences might totally relate to. It was not pretty either for close ones around me to watch me go through these processes. For some reason one of the things that pains me the most is what I put my family through… especially witnessing the heartbreak of my mother. Luckily since then our mother daughter relationship has been mended and is much stronger however very different to each other we are. For me there can be a rawness touching those past aspects even if things have greatly improved or changed since then.

When I try to think of a story to share it is like zooming in on the details of my life and realising ‘gosh what story can I share that isn’t overly triggering?’ either to myself or to others. What positive light stories can I tell? Even the positive stories (luckily those did start happening after going deep into clearing my shadow aspects) I have can still be very controversial.

At this stage in my journey zooming out and looking at the bigger picture and seeing the deep changes and transformations I have made despite the hardships I had to endure is quite incredible really. I bounced back. I feel myself again more alive and embodied. I feel less infiltrated and like I am more wholly myself again. I barely recognise myself from the past… it’s like looking at a totally different person who was taken over and disassociated. I was like a puppet controlled by several different energies and influences.

Stories are quite intriguing things… they feel so large to us but zooming out on each of our timelines they are just a tiny speck in the universe that’s barely visible. It’s almost like the stories are just hanging there suspended in space and time like little sparkly cloud dust… but so full of colour, pain, beauty and lessons to take away when you get up close with one. The stories we have are just fleeting points in our lifetimes… yet to us they feel so significant… so large it makes up your entire universe and how they shape you. In some respects the stories do fill up the entire universe. People are not necessarily wrong to feel like this if you look at it from the perspective that everything is connected and we are far more important than we realise. We are part of a huge web. Yet it is also my feeling too that the stories are not things to get overly attached to or else they become so part of your identity and you may get stuck on a past. So it can be good to take the lessons and move on. Stories are fleeting aspects of our identity that is prone to shifting and changing… although underneath it all I feel we have an energetic signature that surpasses identities. 

I have many stories I can probably tell. Yet getting up close with the nitty gritty details of them might have people running a mile. Even for me some parts are quite hard to go over again. Not to mention how our entanglements with other peoples’ stories going on can feel rather personal. Also not because they are necessarily re-traumatising but just feeling the energetic dynamics of some of these stories I think ‘what a big fucking mess.’

These past stories came about because I felt so lost in my life. I barely knew who I was. I felt so dead inside and wanted to see if there was something, anything, I can feel or find within me. I seeked out externally for things that would give me all the answers to myself and life. The magic pill where I didn’t have to do the work because these solutions I thought I discovered would fix all my problems and blocks. I deeply felt for a long time the suffering of the world so wasn’t just looking for answers for myself but for others to use. Thing is, as well, I was a huge spiritual seeker and also had both highly naive and hedonistic sides to me which was a rather dangerous combination. I didn’t know where my limits were and wasn’t aware what energies I was playing with.

Lets zoom in a little on a part of my timeline. A turning point came in my life when I made an attempt to go to Hawaii- while I was still in denial how much I was causing myself harm with my lifestyle. I was trying to escape from my life. I was crippled with chronic anxiety (one where I constantly felt as though I was going to enter a panic attack), felt on the edge of my sanity, feeling ungrounded, my body felt out of my control, I was starting to experience remnants of the brain damage and I could barely function in society. Hawaii, I thought, might be my golden ticket yet I was planning to go there to continue my destructive lifestyle. This was a risk I was taking too as I barely even had any money either.

Luckily (thanks to my ungroundedness meaning I couldn’t even book a trip to Hawaii the correct way) I was turned away by the border officials at Canada airport that I was supposed to be passing through. On this day I feel so grateful that this security system (as much as I feel it is corrupt) actually worked in my favour because reaching Hawaii in my condition would have been a disaster. I dread to think what would have happened. 

I stayed 3 nights in the Canada airport with the help of a very kind-hearted priest who ran the chapel inside the airport. The priest had come to my rescue when he found me highly distraught after being refused entry to my next flight that was supposed to get me to Hawaii. I had been left high and dry by the border officials with barely any money just to get myself back to the UK. The priest, understanding the airport systems, managed to get me a free flight back to the UK. He let me sleep in a pull down bed in the prayer room of the airport. After 3 nights of being stuck in Canada I finally made it back to the UK.

Back in UK I still went through a further worsening of my conditions making me seriously ill physically and mentally. I was also gutted at the time I couldn’t get to Hawaii as I was badly struggling with my life in UK. Luckily a friend of mine wanted to move down South to the Somerset area. We managed to get a flat in Glastonbury and I got a job in the same town. It was this job where I had met my boyfriend who had led me to the path where I was going to experience healing for real this time. Although at this stage I had already started the breaking away process from my old lifestyle as the suffering was getting too much and I knew something had to change.

My boyfriend had a friend who knew Dr Jacqueline Hobbs (known as Oracle Girl- who told him there was a group session nearby. Me and my boyfriend went to our first session together. There was something tangible about the energy of the space although it wasn’t as clear to me then as future sessions were. It felt so pure and still… like a holding and feeling totally safe. I remember speaking with Jacqueline at the first session and she instantly saw how deep in the shit I was… even giving me a necklace of crystals. For the first time I felt a deep recognition from her. Someone who was truly seeing me for the first time and actually understood the hell I was experiencing. It strangely felt like she could see everything about me.

I didn’t know what was going to come out of this first session but found myself meeting her several times after that for a lot of 1 to 1 sessions as well as group ones. Some 1 to 1s were done on phone or remotely. We are talking very early days before her popularity grew and she could no longer help people one on one anymore. Me and Jacqueline even shared croissants together at one point which I suspect because she was helping me with my eating disorder as I had a terrible fear around food. I used to use food as one of the only ways of getting myself pure, healthy and spiritual instead of addressing the aspects of myself more directly.

Jacqueline really helped to straighten out the distortions I had in my perceptions that had come about from my previous spiritual practises. She had a no nonsense approach which I so needed as I was still attempting to make decisions that were going to throw me off again. She worked closely with me as I slowly built more solid foundations within myself and I started to feel more embodied and clearer in my head. We worked together too to help close my energy field that had been abruptly blasted wide open. It was clear I had a very sensitive constitution which was one of reasons why I reacted so badly to the previous practises I was using. 

The journey was long but deeply transformational. I now do things I never thought I would be doing… I am achieving things and going beyond my own and others expectations. Sure Jacqueline provided many pointers and guidance that helped clarify why my life seriously went downhill the way it did but at the same time I feel my own wisdom coming online more and more. My own instructions are now actually informing me rather than being infiltrated and leading me down more destructive paths. I am able to stand on my own two feet, take more responsibility in my life and am much more earthier and practical. I still feel Jacqueline’s work to be powerful without the one on ones and continue to see transformations happening in my life. Distance really is no barrier! And being joined remotely in the purification space (that Jacqueline holds- see website) as a group feels like it has been powering up the space even more.

It wasn’t only Jacqueline who helped me but my boyfriend led me to another person who has had a largely positive influence in my life too. His name is Ratu Bagus who is a very powerful energy master in Bali. Although Ratu and Jacqueline are very different in their own ways of healing they have provided an amazing combination to help me get further in my life and open my eyes to other human capabilities. Both communities that come with both of them have brought some deeply nourishing people and friendships into my life that have also influenced me in my own healing journey.

Although I have come so far in my own journey it still continues. I am not seeking a destination and don’t have much idea what the rest of my life may hold in store for me. Definitely not, by any means, am I perfect or always get things right. I am still a bumbling human being and have the ability to sometimes laugh at my own drama or silly humanness. I couldn’t give one nicely packed conclusion to my life and say I am going live the rest of my life with this one big happy ending you might see in movies. Things still come along into my life that help to challenge me and grow. I still attend to what other stories people around me are having. My life is quite colourful and rich. I feel a deeper connection with the beauty of being alive more connected to myself and nature. I can feel much joy. I still hold the positive intention that Earth and humanity always have this opportunity to really make the deep changes. Working deeply on the microcosmic level I feel strongly would influence the macrocosm.

It is true as well that I feel much more tapped into the light but equally I may have my face pressed up close even more against the shadows (whether mine, others, or the planets) that I cannot ignore them. That doesn’t mean anymore that I might merge with it or find it taking me over although it may trigger feelings inside of me as I see what it is I don’t want but also what I do want. Actually right now the more I see it the more the love inside me burns ever more brightly and fiercely. Instead of turning away from it I feel my deepest heart felt wishes becoming more alive. And you can probably see this happening on various levels with other people in the world as it does seem as though change is being pushed for more and more… yet evidently it does seem the controllers are pushing back to keep their control over us.

Doing this kind of work of dismantling what does not belong to us comes with a lot of discernment as well as trust. Finding the balance between the many contradictions that come with life. To see beyond the 3D and looking at or considering what may be happening on the other levels we may not necessarily be able to see to inform ourselves. Not in every case are things so black and white. Our minds try to compartmentalise things and put things into boxes instead of seeing beyond. Sure there are certainly some excellent pointers, guidance and tools but at the end of the day it really does come back to ourselves. That is the most powerful place to be to get to that zero point where our instructions may arise from. Also being deeply honest with ourselves and seeing where our patterns are playing out I feel to be important in transmuting them and getting more forwards in our lives. 

It sure is an interesting journey seeing how the planet is unfolding before our very eyes. People get so caught up with the drama and the stories we tell ourselves instead of stepping back and seeing the bigger picture. For me it can be coming back to this pure raw force of love. Love that’s not always so fluffy and light. Love also has the ability to shine the light on things we prefer not to see. We are truly warriors for being able to do this not just on the planet but to see ourselves for how we really are. I am now glad to be on this Earth after wanting so much to escape to other dimensions in the past- even if it is deeply frustrating at times seeing what is going on here on this plane. Earth is a truly phenomenal planet in all its richness, nature and beauty… if only we can open our eyes, see it, appreciate it and extend that for all the living beings on it.


Disclaimer – this story comes solely from my own personal experiences. What my experience is may not be true for everyone else. We are all finding our own ways, have different patterns to clear and different body biology as we are all very individual. I share this story with the hopes it may help to inspire others or provide some learning or perspective from my own experience.

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