Stories? Gosh… they can be rather personal can’t they? Especially if one has led a rather controversial life. Or if one is walking an alternative path that goes outside of societal norms to somehow birth this new world we so deeply desire. Or when deep mistakes were made and we’re forced to go into the depths of our being. When we’re also dealing with other planes of existence that would make most think we’re nuts!
Anyone up for spooky ghost stories? Weird alien stories? Dark shamanic medicine stories? Satanic encounters? Abusing my body with eating disorders and an unhealthy abusive obsession with detoxing? Very dysfunctional relationships? Being flung out into the furthest dimensions, or being pulled into different realities, that I had no idea if I was ever coming back? Stories of a breaking down of my psyche to a point I didn’t feel I existed anymore or had much grip of reality? Where I was fully taken over by other forces? There is a physical aspect where I had overly abused my body and psyche to the point my brain experienced some kind of damage (developing a not very well known condition that even my own doctor hasn’t heard of it) and my intestines went through a huge breaking. My circuits had totally blown too, as I had really overloaded my system. I was the classic example of someone who had their energy field blasted so wide open, that lots of things started entering, that were out to control me to the point their destructive forces were practically pushing me out of existence.
My seeking spiritual freedom and self-realisation totally backfired and put me into a cage instead… it was like I was trying to escape one cage and ended up in another. It really took me through a very difficult time with my mental health. It was not easy for close ones around me to watch me go through these processes. For me, there can be a rawness touching those past aspects even if things have greatly improved or changed since then.
When I try to think of a story to share it is like zooming in on the details of my life and realising ‘gosh what story can I share that isn’t overly triggering?’ either to myself or to others. What positive, light stories can I tell? Even the positive stories (luckily those did start happening after going deep into clearing my shadow aspects) I have can still be very controversial.
At this stage in my journey, zooming out and looking at the bigger picture and seeing the deep changes and transformations I have made, despite the hardships I have had to endure, is quite incredible really. I bounced back. I feel myself again more alive and embodied. I feel less infiltrated and like I am more wholly myself again. I barely recognise myself from the past… it’s like looking at a totally different person who was taken over and disassociated. I was like a puppet controlled by several different energies and influences.
Stories are quite intriguing things… they feel so large to us but zooming out on each of our timelines they are just a tiny speck in the universe that’s barely visible. It’s almost like the stories are just hanging there suspended in space and time like little sparkly cloud dust… but so full of colour, pain, beauty, and lessons to take away when you get up close with one. The stories we have are just fleeting points in our lifetimes… yet to us they feel so significant… they can trigger real turning points in our lives, and shape us in different ways. It is also my feeling too that the stories are not things to get overly attached to, or else they become so part of your identity, and you may get stuck on a past. So it can be good to take the lessons and move on. Stories are fleeting aspects of our identity that is prone to shifting and changing.
Our stories can entangle with other peoples’ stories too. You and another may have a story going on which leads to quite a concoction of energies. Unhealthy energies in my case, unfortunately, which took me some time to see through. It was like a cloud of illusion totally collapsed once I caught what was happening.
An intense stream of events came about for me because I felt so lost in my life. I barely knew who I was. I felt so dead inside and wanted to see if there was something, anything, I can feel or find within me. I seeked out externally for things that would give me all the answers to myself and life. The magic pill where I didn’t have to do the work, because these solutions I thought I discovered would fix all my problems and blocks. I deeply felt for a long time the suffering of the world so wasn’t just looking for answers for myself, but for others to use. Thing is, as well, I was a huge spiritual seeker and also had both highly naive and hedonistic sides to me which was a rather dangerous combination. I didn’t know where my limits were and wasn’t aware what energies I was playing with.
Lets zoom in a little on a part of my timeline. A turning point came in my life when I made an attempt to go to Hawaii- while I was still in denial how much I was causing myself harm with my lifestyle. I was trying to escape from my life. I was crippled with chronic anxiety (one where I constantly felt as though I was going to enter a panic attack), felt on the edge of my sanity, feeling ungrounded, my body felt out of my control, I was starting to experience remnants of the brain damage, and I could barely function in society. Hawaii, I thought, might be my golden ticket yet I was planning to go there to continue my destructive lifestyle. This was a risk I was taking too as I barely even had any money either.
Luckily (thanks to my ungroundedness meaning I couldn’t even book a trip to Hawaii the correct way) I was turned away by the border officials at Canada airport that I was supposed to be passing through. On this day, I feel so grateful that this security system (as much as I feel it is corrupt) actually worked in my favour because reaching Hawaii in my condition would have been a disaster. I dread to think what would have happened.
I stayed 3 nights in the Canada airport with the help of a very kind-hearted priest who ran the chapel inside the airport. The priest had come to my rescue when he found me highly distraught after being refused entry to my next flight that was supposed to get me to Hawaii. I had been left high and dry by the border officials with barely any money just to get myself back to the UK. The priest, understanding the airport systems, managed to get me a free flight back to the UK. He let me sleep in a pull down bed in the prayer room of the airport. After 3 nights of being stuck in Canada I finally made it back to the UK. Literally this priest was my saving grace. Funny how two people from totally different spiritualities/religions can meet, and some universal divine intelligence, whatever you want to call it, swoops in to help me.
Back in the UK, I still went through a further worsening of my conditions making me seriously ill physically and mentally. I was also gutted at the time I couldn’t get to Hawaii as I was badly struggling with my life in UK. Luckily a friend of mine wanted to move down South to the Somerset area. We managed to get a flat in Glastonbury and I got a job in the same town. It was this job where I had met my boyfriend, who had led me to the path where I was going to experience healing for real this time… which allowed me to see more clearly how being blocked at the airport was a blessing. Although at this stage I had already started the breaking away process from my old lifestyle, as the suffering was getting too much and I knew something had to change.
My boyfriend had a friend who knew Dr Jacqueline Hobbs (known as Oracle Girl- www.oraclegirl.org) who told him there was a group session nearby. Me and my boyfriend went to our first session together. There was something tangible about the energy of the space although it wasn’t as clear to me then as future sessions were. It felt so pure and still… like a holding and feeling totally safe. I remember speaking with Jacqueline at the first session and she instantly saw how deep in the hole I was… even giving me a necklace of crystals to keep for support. For the first time I felt a deep recognition from her. Someone who was truly seeing me for the first time and actually understood the hell I was experiencing. It strangely felt like she could see everything about me. I had a strong feeling that I could not go wrong with this intriguing woman.
I didn’t know what was going to come out of this first session, but I found myself meeting her several times after that for a lot of 1 to 1 sessions as well as group ones. Some 1 to 1s were done on phone or remotely. We are talking very early days before her popularity grew and she could no longer help people 1 on 1 anymore. Me and Jacqueline even shared croissants together at one point, which I suspect because she was helping me with my eating disorder, as I had a terrible fear around food. She helped make pointers around my relationship with food. I had used food as one of the only ways of getting myself pure, healthy and spiritual instead of addressing the aspects of myself more directly.
Jacqueline really helped to straighten out the distortions I had in my perceptions, that had come about from my previous spiritual practises. She had a no nonsense approach, which I so needed, as I was still attempting to make decisions that were going to throw me off again. She worked closely with me, as I slowly built more solid foundations within myself, and I started to feel more embodied and clearer in my head. We worked together to help close my energy field that had been abruptly blasted wide open. It was clear I had a very sensitive constitution, which was one of reasons why I reacted so badly to the previous practises I was using. I learnt that I needed to treat myself with more care and discernment.
The journey was long but deeply transformational. I now do things I never thought I would be doing… I am achieving things and going beyond my own and others expectations. Sure Jacqueline provided many pointers and guidance that helped clarify why my life seriously went downhill the way it did, but at the same time I feel my own wisdom coming online more. My own instructions are now actually informing me rather than being infiltrated, and leading me down more destructive paths. I am able to stand on my own two feet, take more responsibility in my life and am much more earthier and practical. I still feel Jacqueline’s work to be very powerful and transformational since she’s expanded away from 1 on 1’s as more people discovered her amazing work. Distance really is no barrier to me. And being joined remotely in the purification space (that Jacqueline holds- see website) as a group feels like it has been powering up the space even more.
It wasn’t only Jacqueline who helped me but my boyfriend led me to another person who has had a large positive influence in my life too. His name is Ratu Bagus who is a very powerful energy master in Bali. Although Ratu and Jacqueline are very different in their own ways of healing, they have provided an amazing combination to help me get further in my life and open my eyes to other human capabilities. Both communities that come with both of them have brought some deeply nourishing and stable people and friendships into my life, that have also influenced me in my own healing journey.
Although I have come so far in my own journey it still continues. I am not seeking a destination and don’t have much idea what the rest of my life may hold in store for me. Definitely not, by any means, am I perfect or always get things right. I am still a bumbling human being and have the ability to sometimes laugh at my own drama or silly humanness. I couldn’t give one nicely packed conclusion to my life. Things still come along to help challenge me and grow. Who knows what’s to come but at least, now, I feel a much more stable core within myself to weather any difficulties. Other people are having their stories going around me too and sometimes I have to attend to them.
My life is quite colourful and rich. I feel a deeper connection with the beauty of being alive, more connected to myself and nature. I can feel much joy. I still hold the positive intention that Earth and humanity will always have this opportunity to really make the deep changes. Working deeply on the microcosmic level I feel strongly would influence the macrocosm.
It is true as well that I feel much more tapped into the light but equally I may have my face pressed up close even more against the shadows (whether mine, others, or the planets) that I cannot ignore them. That doesn’t mean anymore that I might merge with it or find it taking me over, although it may trigger feelings inside of me, as I see what it is I don’t want, but also what I do want. Actually right now the more I see it the more the love inside me burns ever more brightly and fiercely. Instead of turning away from it I feel my deepest heart felt wishes becoming more alive. And you can probably see this happening on various levels with other people in the world, as it does seem as though change is being pushed for with increasing velocity… yet evidently it does seem the controllers are pushing back to keep their control over us.
Doing this kind of work of dismantling what does not belong to us comes with a lot of discernment as well as trust. Finding the balance between the many contradictions that come with life. To see beyond the 3D, and looking at or considering what may be happening on the other levels we may not necessarily be able to see to inform ourselves. Not in every case are things so black and white. Our minds try to compartmentalise things and put things into boxes instead of seeing beyond. Sure there are certainly some excellent pointers, guidance and tools, but at the end of the day it really does come back to ourselves. That is the most powerful place to be to get to that zero point where our instructions may arise from. Also being deeply honest with ourselves and seeing where our patterns are playing out I feel to be important in transmuting them to get more forwards in our lives.
It is an interesting journey seeing how the planet is unfolding before our very eyes. People get so caught up with the drama and the stories we tell ourselves, instead of stepping back and seeing the bigger picture. For me it can be coming back to this pure raw force of love. Love that’s not always so fluffy and light. Love also has the ability to shine the light on things we prefer not to see. We are truly warriors for being able to do this not just on the planet but to see ourselves for how we really are.
I am now glad to be on this Earth after wanting so much to escape to other dimensions in the past- even if it is deeply frustrating at times seeing what is going on this plane. Earth is a truly phenomenal planet in all its richness, nature and beauty… if only we can open our eyes, see it, appreciate it and extend that for all the living beings on it.
Disclaimer – this story comes solely from my own personal experiences. What my experience is may not be true for everyone else. We are all finding our own ways, have different patterns to clear and different body biology as we are all very individual. I share this story with the hopes it may help to inspire others or provide some learning or perspective from my own experience.
